If anyone in the greater New York area wants to band together and buy a crazy amount of Girl Scout cookies and then make a video where we are eating them surrounded by boxes and boxes to counteract this little jerk’s ban, please let me know. I’ve already written some sample dialogue:
“Mmm! This cookie tastes like tolerance!”
“Mmm! This cookie tastes like acceptance!”
“Mmm! This cookie tastes like Patrick Swayze’s character in To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar… and it’s delicious!”
Here is some simple, irrefutable, definitely-true science for you: new things are the best and old things are what, huh, old things? I forgot about the old things.
The rush of new ideas, new jobs, new loves, new friends, new projects — is there anything like it? Newnewnewnew! But actually bringing these ideas to fruition, or doing these jobs for years, or looking at these same tired faces, or completing these worn down ol’ projects? There are few things more torturous than following up on tiny details and dotting t’s and crossing i’s when there are brandnewshinyuntouched* ideas/jobs/people/projects to play with. UGH, WHY DON’T YOU JUST GIVE ME HOMEWORK??? WELL YOU CAN’T I’M A GROWNUP!!
But in life, we don’t call these things “homework” (sometimes we do, but shhh, grad students, be cool), we call these things “life.”
Completing goals requires what experts call “follow-through,” which, like “willpower,” is an intangible force that might not exist at all. But you have it! The things you begin get to have endings. Even if you get briefly distracted by America’s Next Great Restaurant or the whole internet, you will get back to the task at hand, not abandoning it like The World’s Greatest Snow Fort or The World’s Greatest Tree Fort or The World’s Greatest Couch Cushion Fort, especially if it is the The World’s Greatest Snow Fort or The World’s Greatest Tree Fort or The World’s Greatest Couch Cushion Fort. You’re an adult now, and you make the best damn forts ever. Your scarves are not half-unwoven, your gardens are not overgrown and dying, your friends are not waiting in a parking lot somewhere wondering why you didn’t show up to brunch, and your novels even have epilogues. Take a step back and be proud of what you have done.
Wear this badge on the dress you designed or while riding around in the car you fixed up or while walking in and out and in and out through the screen door you repaired. Oooops, the door broke from overuse. NEW PROJECT!
What are you doing now that the sun is out (semi) regularly and you can open your windows and get some fresh air? Aside from day drinking and popping Claritin, you’re Spring Cleaning, that’s what.
You scrubbed your stove burners, you moved your furniture instead of vacuuming around it, you actually used a scrubby sponge on your bathtub, you sprinkled baking soda on your mattress, you DUSTED and you ORGANIZED. You even checked your smoke detector, because of safety first.
But let’s not forget the best part of Spring cleaning — the cleaning out of your closets and saying goodbye to that party dress from your 23rd birthday. Cleaning out your closets is hard, lady, and what’s harder is parting with the memories of past clothes once loved — the skirt you bought in Spain that is now 2 sizes too big, the pastel dress you bought for your high school graduation that you just connected with then, you know?, the size 27 jeans that you can get over your knees, or the sweaters you bought at Banana Republic a couple of seasons ago but didn’t wear at all last winter. You’ve changed — sizes, tastes, and age. The clothes may still be wearable, but Lady Scouts know when to say goodbye.
Like any Lady Scout, you have the courage to accept the fact that nothing — not even that dress that Nicky Digital took a picture of at a weird party in 2007 (REMEMBER THAT DUDE?! LOLOLOL) — lasts forever. So you pile those clothes into bags and boxes and open your freshly cleaned apartment to your other LS friends at a clothing swap. You let others take your old (but loved) clothes to new and exciting places, and you donate the leftovers to the women’s shelter down the street.
So gather your Gato Negro, your Barefoot, and your Yellowtail, set up a tray of veggies and cookies, and swap. Lady Scouts are very good at sharing.
You are, today and every other day, proud to be a lady who stands up for other ladies, so we made you a badge about it. No big deal, but we made it special for you. Like, no pressure, but we crafted it with you, personally, you in mind. But whatever. I mean, only wear it if you want to, and if you don’t we’ll just know you don’t believe in equality. Yay, you’re putting it on! It looks great! Those dots symbolize how we’re a pox on humanity. Just kidding! They symbolize how feminism is spreading! Kidding again but only kind of; they really just fill up the blank space. And here are some awesome links to fill up THIS blank space:
And if you’re wondering about what the haps are, check this out. And if you’re wondering about how to do something positive, check this out. And if you’re wondering who should inspire you, this will give you one hundred ideas. That is so many ideas! Remember when they didn’t let us HAVE ideas? THAT WAS CRAZY, let’s not let that happen again. For a refresher, we should all read up on an extra cool lady who is getting a statue today (Congrats, Mary Wollstonecraft! You fancy!).
And finally, here is Nellie McKay singing at the Rally for Women’s Health. The second wonderful tune features the chorus “feminists don’t have a sense of humor,” reminding us why it’s okay that we’re joking about this important subject. We’re joking because feminists are still hilarious.
Wear this badge prominently or you’re defeating the purpose of the badge. It’s not Feminist Hiding Out Day. GO TEAM WOMEN EVERYWHERE AND ALSO EVERYONE ELSE, EVERYONE EQUALLY.
It’s a two ton hunk of metal and flammable liquids, and you have it under control, no big deal. You are not a traffic disaster and when you do find yourself in scrape, you handle it like an adult. But this badge isn’t just for not crashing your vehicle into humans and through buildings and off of ravines, it’s for being able to handle the whole driving package. You know about oil changes, tire pumping, radiators that aren’t in homes, sparkbrakeplugs, off-road terrain, and seat warmer burn. Maybe you can tell a make and model from just the headlights, or maybe you have built a Model-T from scratch (creating the metals yourself from earth and willpower), or maybe you’re able to purchase a new automobile without mortgaging a kidney or driving away in a deathtrap. It’s Car Talk, and you speak it.
Put this badge next to your license plate, like a bumper sticker, and when that jerk who has been tailgating you squints to see it, stop short. Or keep being a safe driver! That was a test! You passed!
Okay, Scouts, ASSEMBLE. We all know, all too well, that things these days are hard. LadyScouts has gotten really political these days, but the day to day business of being a lady has gotten really political these days. Right now women’s healthcare — cancer screenings, HIV testing and more — is on the chopping block, and we are the people who will be hurt by these cuts. And that is exactly why right now we have to be, and are, at our fiercest and most vocal.
It’s supertempting to sit back with plugged up ears and say “LALALALALALA” while the debates of the day rage on — of course it is, because the political landscape is a fucking terrible nightmare factory wasteland that worsens by the day — but the only way that things are going to change is if we make our voices heard. We are women; we are not handmaids or econowives or Marthas. We might be Jezebels, but we are not Jezebels. Our protections and rights are not negotiable.
You know that it’s time for action. That is why you are protesting and donating and calling your representatives and marching and chanting and sloganeering and petitioning and new things that we haven’t even thought of yet. We are more than half of this country, and we are going to look out for ourselves and for our futures. And banded together, we will fix this. We are creative and we are smart, we are strong and we are determined, we are right and we are legion, and standing up for each other is the least that we can do. So, let’s figure how we can do the most we can do.
If you live in New York, or the surrounding areas, wear this badge tomorrow in Foley Square at 1pm for the Rally for Women’s Health. Or don’t wear the badge because it will be made of paper (that’s fair!), but go to the rally because this is how we are going to make being a female awesome so that we can go back to make the dumbest of jokes. We will see you there. Roll out!
When you think about what made the original Saturday Night Live cast work so well, it’s not just that they were the funniest people alive at that time, they were also, hands down, the coolest. You want to party with Aykroyd and Belushi, vamp in the corner with Laraine, flirt with Chevy, shoot the shit with Garrett, and of course, dance and giggle incessantly with Gilda. So how did the seemingly square Jane Curtin fit in? Because there’s nothing cooler than a lady who can kick ass at her job and then act like it’s no big thing. More than that, she was the glue that held the original Saturday Night Live cast together. There’s a reason they call her the “Queen of Deadpan”: she’s the rare person who can be funny on her own or play it straight to make funny people look funnier.
Jane Curtin was the first woman to co-anchor Weekend Update and had to be the first person to follow breakout star Chevy Chase in the position. She handled the pressue like anyone else would: by flashing America and insulting Connie Chung. When Lorne Michaels had to send someone to charm the press, he sent Jane. When the cast needed someone to negotiate their contracts with the NBC brass, they sent Jane. When the writers needed someone to play a nebbish widow, an alien housewife or a dominatrix, they called Jane. And when guys like John Belushi were saying women couldn’t be funny, the woman who rolled her eyes and then killed every Saturday night without drama, hiccups or complaint was Jane.
The coolest thing about Jane Curtin? She’s been married to the same guy for over thirty years, raised a child and she never stopped doing comedy. Besides her film work, Jane has starred in three different hit comedies in three different decades (SNL in the 1970’s, Kate & Allie in the 1980’s & Third Rock From the Sun in the 1990’s). The only other woman to pull off that professional feat was Lucille Ball. You’ve also never heard a story about her fighting with Laraine or Gilda for roles in the hypercompetitive world of being a lady on SNL. She supported her fellow ladies and never let the toxic world of comedy mess with her head. When you stop for a second to consider her Emmy awards, her incredible versatility and career longevity, it becomes clear that she’s kind of the unlauded HBIC of American comedy. But does she care if people are peeing their pants over how amazing she is? No. She only wants people to pee their pants from laughing at all the jokes she’s nailing.
A Sample of Notable Badges Earned: Jane Curtin earns the “Plays Well With Others” badge for being a part of the original Not Ready For Primetime Players, the “Levelheadedness” badge for not getting distracted by the crazy debauchery of the 1970’s SNL world, and the “69th Badge” for being the most famous “ignorant slut” in the history of comedy. She also gets the “I’m Worth it Badge” for negotiating the cast’s contracts and “Boys’ Club Badge” for busting into late night tv.
We can all agree that ladies should support other ladies. The “Lipstick Service” Badge is about showing that support by telling everyone you know—men and women alike—how awesome your fellow Lady Scouts are.
At work, you let your co-workers know when one of your colleagues is doing a fantastic job above and beyond the call of duty. They deserve the recognition. When someone brings up how they want to learn how to cook pasta from scratch, you tell them about your friend Kim’s ridiculously awesome cooking blog and add how sweet and smart and inspiring she is. And when you’re at a party and some cute guy starts talking to you and your friend, you make sure you let the guy know that your friend is sweet, funny and has her shit together like no one’s business. Basically, you don’t hold back on celebrating your fellow Lady Scouts and their successes.
Even better, you don’t just tell strangers how amazing your fellow Lady Scouts are, you tell Lady Scouts to their faces that they’re smart, hard-working, funny, artistic, lovely, beautiful, caring, and every other wonderful adjective that describes them. Too often we hear how girls are jealous of each other, but you know the best way to combat jealousy is outright say to a girl, “Man, I wish I could do what you can do. Keep on being awesome and don’t let the haters bring you down.” So this is me telling all of you how awesome you are! Don’t let anyone bring you down—you are a Lady Scout after all. That says a lot.
The “Sometimes Just Being a Woman is Really Hard” Badge has gotten a lot of wonderful and interesting responses today, but we just wanted to reblog this highly useful reblog from cremedecaramel that gives us something concrete to do. We know we’re not going to let this stand, so let’s all earn our Action Jackson Badges for Actually Doing Something About This Horseshit!
Seriously, women’s rights are under attack from so many different avenues it’s almost hard to keep track. So, really, please, take 2 minutes to call your representatives and ask them to vote no on the slew of anti-choice, anti-woman measure coming up in Congress. These include eliminating domestic family planning funding, eliminating ALL international family planning assistance, defunding planned parenthood, eliminating private insurance coverage of abortion, and giving doctors the right to refuse lifesaving medical care if it violates their so-called “conscious.” Read about any of these measures at rhrealitycheck.org. Then call (202) 224-3121 and ask to be connected to your representative.
The “Sometimes Just Being a Woman is Really Hard” Badge
(Ed. Note: This badge is a break from our normal schedule of jokes, jokes, and more dumb jokes. It’s a serious response to the extremely troubling political and social climate, to a world that is becoming more and more hostile to women everywhere. Next time, there will be a badge about tampons or roller derby, but today we’re all pretty focused on this.)
I am having some trouble being a lady right now.
With the crazy bills in South Dakota (and many other states, South Dakota is by no means a fluke), a bill put forth to redefine the meaning of rape, the news that The Pentagon ignores the complaints of rape victims, the heartbreaking story of Lara Logan’s attack (and the alarming number of female journalists who are sexually assaulted), the fact that only six percent of rapists will see the inside of a jail cell while 25 percent of women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, and just the general business of getting through life and work when people occasionally see you as an unequal based solely on your gender has my lady soul feeling just a little bit crushed right now.
Normally events like the ones we’re witnessing in Congress only serve to reignite my passion in working for women. I feel a need to protect the rights and privileges my foremothers fought and died to give me. I feel the responsibility to ensure that my (hypothetical) daughters are privy to the same rights afforded to me. Normally I speak at rallies and let comments by counter-protesters that I “gave up my right to privacy when I let a man ‘enter’ me” just roll off my back. Normally I don’t let the opposition see that they are getting to me.
But lately I’ve started to feel something I hate admitting to: I feel vulnerable.
And how can you feel anything but vulnerable when we are witnessing a war on women so bad it’s unlike anything our generation has ever seen. People sent to protect and serve our best interests, our Congressmen, are engaged in a planned and strategic attack on our rights that is so dirty I cringe at the very thought.
And so I feel vulnerable. And I start to think about all the ways in which I protect myself each and every day. I protect myself from getting pregnant. I protect myself by carrying pepper spray and never walking in bad neighborhoods alone at night. I protect myself by being cautious about telling people where I live. I protect myself by working for women’s rights. As a lady, you always have to find some way to protect yourself, because, frankly, you are always under attack.
This isn’t meant to sound defeatist — by no means am I going to lay my armor down. I wouldn’t trade being a woman for anything in the world. If only because quality female friendships make up for all of the other shz we have to deal with each and every day. If only because there is a shared understanding of what it takes to be a woman and a legacy of womanhood that we need to keep alive. No, despite all of the crap we deal with based solely on our reproductive organs, I wouldn’t give up being a lady.
So, Lady Scouts, I know this is a break from the normal banter (I’ll write a badge about killing spiders soon, I promise), but I want to award you with a badge for being a lady. And dealing with the things a lady has to deal with. Because sometimes that’s the hardest task of all.